Published March 5, 2008
Here's part two:
~7~
~The Windshark
It was a calm night aboard the Windshark, so the Captain had everyone get a few hours of sleep. The sky was clear, and the wind light, so he left the navigator and the lookout above, and rested himself for a while.
There had been no clouds in the sky when the crew had gone below, but as the lookout waited and watched the waves that stretched around him, a cloud seemed to unfold from the stars.
The lookout glanced up at it, and saw that it was a gray—except it seemed to be shiny, like a dark silvery color. After a moment, he glanced at it again, and noticed that it was quickly getting darker. He stood up to watch, entranced by it. It started to spin, like a whirlpool in the sky. He watched it until it darkened to black, and then it stopped moving. It was still for a few seconds, and he drew closer to it… but suddenly, a single bolt of lightning flashed down from it, crashing into the sea next to the Windshark.
A huge wave was created, and it rose until it was towering over the ship. The lookout noticed then that he was standing at the very edge of the crow’s-nest… too close.
The wave slammed into the side of the ship, and the Windshark started to rock. The lookout was thrown from the mast, and landed, screaming, in the water heavily.
By that time, the crew had been awakened, and they ran to the deck.
The navigator saw the wave as well. When it crashed over the upper deck—his current place of residence—he was thrown from the pedestal on which he stood to steer the ship. The guiding wheel whipped around as the navigator was tossed away from it, and the ship was sent into a whirl. The navigator turned back towards the wheel as the ship was righted… then the navigator screamed. There was a huge shark aboard the deck, using its fins to push towards the navigator.
With shaking hands, the navigator struggled to pull out his knife. The shark was halfway along the upper deck by that time, so the navigator scuttled backwards. The deck railing on the ship stopped the navigator, and he couldn’t do anything but watch, as slowly the shark got closer.
Then another huge wave hit the deck, and the shark was raised above the deck. He fell back down and crashed into the navigator, who could feel his arm break as the shark landed on it. Then the wave hurled them both over the edge of the Windshark.
As he hit the water, the navigator thought that he heard a song—a sad song—sung in a merman’s voice.
QUESTIONS:
1)Obviously, you continued from part one, so are you still wanting to read further?
2) How's my wording? Understandable?
3) This is still confusing, but it will be made clear very soon. Do you think that it's too confusing?
4) How was the shark scene? I thought that it was kind of rough...
Thanks for reading!
Teh Wozzinator
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
1)Obviously, you continued from part one, so are you still wanting to read further?
When do I get to read more?
2) How's my wording? Understandable?
I can understand it.
3) This is still confusing, but it will be made clear very soon. Do you think that it's too confusing?
Not confusing at all.
4) How was the shark scene? I thought that it was kind of rough...
I like it. Maybe say something about the ship being a bit submerges in water. Because a shark can not just walk on a ship's deck.
"****" Use what word now?
Hi Woz............
:*ominous silence*:
In the beginning of this chapter, I was quite confused. Mostly because I thought this would be the fantasy ship-in-the-sky, like Miyazaki's Castle in the Sky, the Tigermoth or something out of Stardust, especially since you kept mentioning the sky.
(And I did say, "Darn it!" out loud when I found out it was a water ship. xD)
Rephrase! "The lookout glanced up at the sky, and saw that it was a dark, glimmering silver."
"....The lookout was thrown from the mast and, screaming, was tossed bodily into the sea."
Try not to use ellipses in 3rd person narrative. It's not good. D:
Try not to use "then" -- generally, it makes the entire thing seem mediocre. Also, try not to repeat certain words within the same sentence (in this case, "deck".)
"He", in this paragraph, could also refer to the shark or the lookout, or whoever. Try to be clearer.
"The wave grabbed them and tossed them over the edge, crashing down in a mighty roar on their heads." or something more dramatic.
Before I get into that, could you start dividing your comments from the story with a **** or a ____? It's confusing otherwise.
1: Yes, I'm curious to see how this ties in with what's-his-face from Ch1.
2. Could use some work.
3. Curiosity!
4. Needs some polishing, a bit more drama. It's the barest of bones at the moment.
PM me when you update, please? ^_^
Looking forward to part 3.
~Sumi
Hey J!
Answer 1. I found this story very intriguing!
Answer 2. I found it understandable. But that may be just because you told me what was going on.
Answer 3. I've read through tougher stuff than this. Usually I just assume that I'd find out what they were talking about later and read on.
Answer 4. I actually thought that the shark scene was clearer then the rest of the story.
P.S. Don't quit on this story!